10 Lies Women Tell Themselves

So, right before Christmas, I wrote a post about how good parents are required to lie, elaborately and expensively, to their kids about Santa Claus — or risk not being good parents. Loved hearing all your responses to that – very thought-provoking!

It made me think about other lies that we tell ourselves.

And I’ve found one that drives me nuts – this particular lie is female-flavoured, although I don’t know, men may tell it to themselves as well? (You’ll have to let me know.)

But I find this lie to be especially toxic. It is poisonous, and it is a slow-drip-death. It freezes you where you stand, and it can leach all the joy out of life, even if you’re ticking all the right boxes.

That lie is this:

You should try to be perfect.

The really nasty thing about this lie is that we tell it to ourselves. Sure, it’s out there in social-media land, but it can’t get to you unless you choose it, and wrap it around you like a particularly manky duvet. It’s the most perfect Stockholm-syndrome ever – no outside bullying required. It’s as if we build our own cell, walk into it, lock the door from the inside and sit there, sadly. Feeling miserable. Like a DIY unhappiness machine.

Why is this such a harmful lie to carry around?

Because it keeps you from growth. It stops you moving. Here’s the truth – perfection was never the goal. It’s simply not the point. Our system is designed to grow by being challenged. Think about your immune system – you get exposed to pathogens, and your immune system gets stronger. Your muscles work the same way – you challenge them first, they break down, then grow back stronger. That’s just how human beings are constructed.

And your wisdom-acquisition system works the same way. First comes the challenge. You take a swing at it. You get it wrong, then you bounce back stronger. You learn by growing. You learn by moving. You learn by putting your boots on the road. You will never have it all together before you begin – and that’s ok. That’s the way it works. The journey itself will teach you everything you need to know.

But you can’t learn like that, if you think you have to be perfect. It runs contrary to the very technology of human development. Believe the lie that you should try to be perfect, and you will be paralysed on the spot. Too afraid of failing to ever put your boots on the road. Because – heaven forbid that you take a risk – what if you get it wrong?

See what I mean? Lethal. I’ve talked to so many women who dream of starting their own businesses – but are stopped by their own perfectionism. Maybe next year – when they finally have it all together. And of course, next year never comes.

And you know what’s even worse? This nasty lie doesn’t work alone. It comes with a whole host of corollary lies, like one big ugly spider that gives birth to a lot of little ones.

Each and every one of us dabble in these lies – because they represent things that we learned when we were younger, to try and keep ourselves safe. So here’s a challenge for you – SPOT THE LIE. Which lies are you still telling yourself? And where are you stuck? Take this handy-dandy diagnostic quiz, to find out.

10 Lies that Women Tell Themselves – Diagnostic Quiz

Where are you frozen right now?

How to take this quiz

Read each set of statements slowly.

Notice your felt response, not what you think you should say.

For each statement, rate how true it feels right now:

2 = Often true
1 = Sometimes true
0 = Rarely true

Be honest. This is not a test of strength or insight, and there’s no way to get it wrong. It’s a location tool.

Lie #1: I should do as I’m told.

Statements

I override discomfort to avoid being rude or difficult.
I say yes when something inside me is saying no.
Obedience feels safer than trusting myself.

Truth: I can act on what I know.

LIE #2: Life should be fair.

Statements

I replay something that shouldn’t have happened.
I feel unable to move forward because of an injustice or loss.
My energy goes into protest rather than response.

Truth: I can choose how I respond.

LIE #3: If I build the right life, I’ll be safe.

Statements

I believe getting things “right” will protect me from pain or loss.
I feel destabilised when status, success, or identity shifts.
I’m afraid of losing what I’ve worked hard to become.

Truth: Nothing external defines or protects me.

LIE #4: I should be able to do it alone.

Statements

I avoid asking for help even when I’m overwhelmed.
I feel ashamed or weak when I need support.
I equate strength with handling everything myself.

Truth: I can ask for help.

LIE #5: I can’t start anything new until everything is perfect.

Statements

I delay beginnings because conditions aren’t quite right.
I prepare endlessly instead of taking a first step.
I’m afraid that starting imperfectly will make things worse.

Truth: I learn by moving.

LIE #6: I can’t rest until everything is done.

Statements

I feel guilty when I stop or slow down.
I struggle to rest if others still need something.
My sense of worth is tied to productivity or caretaking.

Truth: I deserve to rest.

LIE #7: If I don’t see it, it’s not real.

Statements

I avoid looking closely at uncomfortable truths.
I tell myself things aren’t really that bad.
I sense something is wrong but resist examining it fully.

Truth: Truth gives me strength.

LIE #8: Everyone should approve of me.

Statements

I look outward for permission or validation.
I doubt myself when others disagree with me.
I fear being misunderstood if I’m fully honest.

Truth: I can be faithful to myself.

LIE #9: If I show how I really feel, I’ll be punished.

Statements

I hide anger, sadness, or desire to stay safe.
I’ve been told I’m too much or too sensitive.
I disconnect from my feelings to avoid consequences.

Truth: I can trust my own feelings.

LIE #10: I have to stay. I can never leave.

Statements

I remain in situations that drain me because leaving feels wrong.
I believe endurance is more virtuous than departure.
Loyalty, history, or expectation keep me stuck.

Truth: Sometimes leaving is the right thing.

Scoring

For each numbered section, add your scores for the three statements.

0–1 → This area is not currently blocking you
2–3 → This area influences you sometimes
4–6 → This is a primary freeze point

How to read your results

Your highest-scoring section is where you are most frozen right now.
If two sections tie, start with the one that created the strongest physical response (tight chest, urge to minimise, sudden emotion).

You are not meant to work on all of these at once.

Choose one truth.

Let it guide one small, real action.

Important reassurance:

Freezing is not failure.

It is what intelligent nervous systems do when safety, meaning, or permission is compromised.

This work is not about becoming fearless.

It’s about becoming honest enough to move.

So – what do you think? I’m noodling around with these ideas for an upcoming book, and I’d really love to know how it lands with you.

Useful? Not useful? Am I on the right track? Are there lies on this list that don’t belong there? Or – have I missed out important lies that you think need to be included?

I sincerely wish you imperfection – lots and lots of messy reality – and the opportunity to get your boots on the road!

Hugs from the imperfect farmhouse –

Shann.x

Shann Jones MBE, Founder/Director Chuckling Goat

The Most Influential Business Leader to Watch In 2026

PS – Talking about other things than gut health this week – but that doesn’t mean that my team of lovely Nutritional Therapists are off-duty – because they’re NEVER off-duty, bless them! Always vigilant and always truthful – they’re standing by to answer any questions you might have about gut health, for free, 8 am to 8 pm every weekday. All human beings, all the time. Give them a ping!